Each of us brings baggage to a marriage, and we’ve been told that everything in those emotional suitcases is vitally important.

And we’ve also been told that this baggage is what causes strife within our marriages.When it comes to marriage, we need to realize those suitcases just plain don’t matter.

Incidentally, before we continue you should on up to the top of this page and watch the free video we’ve posted for you. We’re giving away a FREE DVD today. The full story is in that video at the top of the page. So please take a look.

Joel and I didn’t have perfect or happy childhoods. We both struggled with past issues, as we all do. Joel, a child of divorce and a pastor’s son, struggled with his father’s remarriage.

Joel and his brother began using drugs, and by middle school Joel was already in big trouble.

Joel remained emotionally where he had always been; an immature ten year old. He was still that child inside an adult’s body by the time we got married.

Factor in the stumbling blocks of my own. Before I started kindergarten, I was molested.

This, coupled with the court trial that followed, added an immense amount of baggage to me at only five years old. When I finally got to kindergarten, things weren’t much better.

After a fellow classmate tricked me into a box during Hide-and-Seek, I vowed I would never go back to school again. I couldn’t. For the rest of my school years I was the ugly girl; the girl with the crooked teeth.

I brought all of this weight with me to our marriage, years later. When Joel and I began marriage counselling, we were told my baggage was the reason our marriage was failing. This wasn’t exactly the kind of advice we needed, but it was something we trusted because nearly all the people we knew believed in it.

What I didn’t realize was that Joel was pushing my buttons because he was hitting on the same things my abusers had hit on. He had zeroed in unknowingly on all of the hurt and baggage that was inside of me.

My abuser had taken away my power when I was five, and Joel was once again taking away my power when we fought by rekindling the violation I had felt so long ago.

At the time, Joel was afraid of confronting the heavy stuff. He’d often say, “Go talk to your girlfriends, go talk to God.”. I can’t handle this; it’s too heavy for me!I exploded because of his unwillingness to help me explore and heal my pain. Our marriage was crumbling.

But I’m here to tell you that just like Jesus loved and healed the Church, a husband can love and heal his wife.

I stand here now a whole woman — and someone who has found the strength to forgive those who hurt me. It’s all because of what the Lord has done in our marriage. I have been healed by Joel’s unconditional love. Had we followed traditional Christian marriage counseling methods, we never would have learned the truth.

Joel has healed too, as a result of his unlimited and pure love for me. We are stronger and happier than we have ever been, through the grace and power of God.  Amen.

Attention Husbands,

Do you want respect from your wife?
Do you want the strife to just quit in your marriage?
For insight on how to have an Outrageously Happy Marriage, look to King Solomon.

His “mode of operandi” with the Queen of Sheba is a perfect example of the biblical pattern to a happy marriage.If God says that Solomon is the wisest King that ever lived, we need to be like him!

(Or of course some men will just keep doing things the way that they think is right and keep having frustrations in their marriage as they wait for their wife to someday just submit enough to them and give them enough undeserved respect to eliminate their pain and all of the strife that SHE causes. Can anyone say, “Tongue in cheek?” To the “naysayers”.. yes, we realize they were not married. Quit grasping for excuses!)
Solomon did not resent or reject a woman’s questions.

The Queen of Sheba came to Solomon and asked him many questions.

“So Solomon answered all her questions.”
1 Kings 10:1-3

Solomon earned a woman’s respect by answering her questions. He did not respond to her hard questions with, “Shut up woman! You are disrespecting me by asking me all of these questions.”

No. King Solomon earned her respect by doing just the opposite. He answered her questions.

Many husbands, unlike Solomon, often resent their wives questions, even the simplest ones.

• Who are you talking to?
• Who is that e-mail written to?
• Who is Suzy? Lisa? Why did she call you?
• How did work go today?

For example, a husband gets a phone call. It is a woman.

The wife hears just enough to know it is a woman’s voice.

She asks afterward, “Who was on the phone?”

Instead of her husband maturely answering, “That was Lisa, the supervisor at work. She needed to know where I put the Spillman case files.” He will say, “Don’t worry about it; I have it under control.”

Why does a man answer this way?

His emotional growth is stunted to the point that he feels like her question is a personal attack or questioning of his character. He ‘feels’ like she is disrespecting him; not because she is, but because he is a child (in an adult body), resisting her desire for a one flesh relationship.

What does it do to a wife when her husband evades her question in this manner?

She rightfully feels devalued, dishonored and put down.

You know what happens next, don’t you?

She says, “What do you mean, ‘You have it under control?’ That was a woman’s voice. I want to know who it was.”

To this, her resistant and unwise husband says, “Woman, back off. I said I have it under control. It doesn’t matter who it was. The problem is taken care of.”

Now, Suzy is grabbing for the phone to check the caller ID.

He is pulling away.

They get into a shoving match in which she is screaming at him about hiding his girlfriends and she is going to call the woman and tell her to back off.

At this point, he is calling her a crazy woman and telling her that he is going to divorce her if she does not just shut up and back off.

This is when she throws a plate at him or kicks him where it counts!

Maybe instead of lashing out she crumples in tears and goes to the bedroom to cry alone.

Whatever her response, she is a victim of emotional abuse inflicted upon her by a very insecure and very emotionally arrested husband.

A recent book written to “women only” offers a solution to this problem. That books solution is to tell a wife to just trust her husband. Her questions convey disrespect to him and no man wants to be disrespected.

That is a bunch of hog-wash.

Egads. Let’s grow up men and then ask our wives to forgive us for our past trespasses in this regard.

Let’s ask them to love us as we are maturing. Let’s ask our wives ONLY to positively respond to our proactive actions of love. We men should not want undeserved respect and love from our wives! We worked hard to get her to marry us; we should be able to give her plenty of reasons to love and respect us.

Men, the solution to the problems in your marriage is not for your wife to cater to your insecurities by giving you undeserved respect and avoiding asking you questions that will “make you feel undermined”. Oh, come on. Grow up.

It is your wife’s job to help you find your insecurities so that you can die to them as you are in the process of meeting her needs!

What was this wife’s need? She just needed to know that her husband was having a legitimate phone call from a legitimate person and that the voice on the other end of the phone was not a threat.

Your resistance to her is a “sure-fire” signal to your wife that, sure enough, the voice on the other end of the phone is a threat! She is going to do whatever she has to do to put that threat out!

The solution is for a husband to be like Solomon. Answer all of your wife’s questions.

In this way you will EARN her respect instead of demanding it like a toddler.

Even better, your wife won’t be reading books written to women only which teach them to give you unearned respect. Yuck. No REAL man wants that. Give me a break.

I don’t know about all wives, but let me tell you about Kathy.

During the bad ten years, Kathy was always reading books on marriage, trying to find the keys to having a happy one.

The problem was that all of the books were telling her to submit to and to respect me, regardless of whether I was right or wrong.
These types of books do nothing for a struggling marriage because a wife cannot initiate positive change in a marriage.

A wife can only help her marriage by offering positive reactions in response to her husbands’ pro-active efforts at growing and meeting her needs. (Those books for the most part are fine for a decent marriage where a husband is already being a loving, gentle, thoughtful, considerate husband. When a husband is doing good at “going first” then it is good for a wife to find ways to pour out affection, praise and respect upon him.)

To finish the story, Kathy was always reading books about marriage in our bad ten years.

After I got healed of my wrong theology and began to grow and mature as a man and husband, life got progressively easier for Kathy.

She never reads books on marriage now! She just relaxes and enjoys life, enjoying me, the kids, God, our extended family and friends.

This is how it is supposed to be.

“So Solomon answered all her questions.”
1 Kings 10:1-3

Here is the entire passage.

1 Kings 10:1-13
Now when the queen of Sheba heard of the fame of Solomon concerning the name of the LORD, she came to test him with hard questions.

(Note: These were hard questions. Many husbands get bothered if a wife simply asks what made him late getting home from work!)

2 She came to Jerusalem with a very great retinue, with camels that bore spices, very much gold, and precious stones;

(Note: When you fell in love with your wife, you were so excited about the gift that she was from God to you. She was everything that you ever hoped for. She came to you “bearing gifts” that is, the gift of herself!)

…And when she came to Solomon, she spoke with him about all that was in her heart.

(Note: Solomon made her a priority and he LISTENED to her. He allowed her to share all that was in her heart. Many husbands cannot listen to their wives for more than five minutes before they are telling her that she is really irritating them. Thus the difference between wisdom and the average husband!)

3 So Solomon answered all her questions; there was nothing so difficult for the king that he could not explain it to her.

(See? He answered all of her questions.)

4 And when the queen of Sheba had seen all the wisdom of Solomon, the house that he had built, 5 the food on his table, the seating of his servants, the service of his waiters and their apparel, his cupbearers, and his entryway by which he went up to the house of the LORD, there was no more spirit in her.

(Note: even if your wife seems like she is ‘on the attack’, if you will be like Solomon; answer all her questions and do all things well, she will find a place of peace and be very appreciative of her kind, loving and understanding husband. She will have no more fighting spirit in her; for this day. Keep it up and the days of fighting will be a fading, dim memory.)

Now, watch how this woman responded to Solomon’s patience, kindness, openness, honesty and receptivity to her questions:

6 Then she said to the king: “It was a true report which I heard in my own land about your words and your wisdom. 7 However I did not believe the words until I came and saw with my own eyes; and indeed the half was not told me. Your wisdom and prosperity exceed the fame of which I heard. 8 Happy are your men and happy are these your servants, who stand continually before you and hear your wisdom! 9 Blessed be the LORD your God, who delighted in you, setting you on the throne of Israel! Because the LORD has loved Israel forever, therefore He made you king, to do justice and righteousness.”

(Notice how she praised him, AFTER he listened to her heart and answered all of her questions. He did not buy her the latest “wife-improvement” book that told her that he “needs” her praise and she should therefore praise him, even if he doesn’t listen to her heart and answer her questions.)

The queen of Sheba did not stop with praise though:

10 Then she gave the king one hundred and twenty talents of gold, spices in great quantity, and precious stones. There never again came such abundance of spices as the queen of Sheba gave to King Solomon. 11 Also, the ships of Hiram, which brought gold from Ophir, brought great quantities of almug wood and precious stones from Ophir. 12 And the king made steps of the almug wood for the house of the LORD and for the king’s house, also harps and stringed instruments for singers. There never again came such almug wood, nor has the like been seen to this day.

Women are alike in this way. They respond to a man who listens to them, patiently answers their questions and makes them a priority.

They will give him their heart, their mind, their everything.

Women are made for bonding and when they find a man who will listen and talk to them, the bonding impulse responds.

It better be you, the husband who is supplying this need for her! (Thus the reason that so many cases of adultery involve pastors, who get paid to listen to people’s problems and answer questions! Pastors with a lack of character can smell a woman a mile away who just needs a listening ear and an understanding heart.. and, well, you know the rest of the story.)

After the Queen of Sheba gave Solomon gifts, he then gave gifts back to her.

13 Now King Solomon gave the queen of Sheba all she desired, whatever she asked, besides what Solomon had given her according to the royal generosity. So she turned and went to her own country, she and her servants. NKJV

See the pattern? The wife (Sheba) came with questions. The husband, (Solomon) listened to ALL of her heart, (cough, gag, gasp) and answered ALL of her questions. (Your killing me now!)

After a husband does this, he earns his wife’s respect and she gives him everything.

A pattern for a breath taking marriage is now set in place as the husband then responds by giving of himself to his wife even more.

Both husband and wife are now giving and receiving, and the pattern is set for that outrageously happy marriage.

But notice, it started with the husband, listening, valuing, prioritizing, honoring and answering her questions.

The husband is the initiator by listening and answering. The wife is the responder by doting on her husband and giving of herself back to him. He keeps the ball rolling by then giving even more of himself to her.

So, you want your wife to respect you?

Be like Solomon and you will never have to ask your wife to respect you.

The only catch is that you can never once tell your wife that she is supposed to respect you.

Just do the Solomon thing and WATCH.

If you do the Solomon thing for a season you will have all the respect that you ever hoped for from your wife, plus a lot more.

But remember, you can never tell your wife that she has to respect you.

In addition, if you are ever in a church service or a seminar or if you ever notice that she is reading a book that is telling her to respect you, you must quickly assure her that you want her to ignore that;

Remind her that you just want her to be at peace and feel free to help you become the husband that she needs you to be.

Tell her that you never want her to feel like she has to generate “agape-respect” which is respect that you have not earned. (We just coined a new term)

Tell her that you just want her to relax and when you have earned her respect, you know that she will give it to you freely without your ever asking her to. You will be taking a load off of your wife’s shoulders.

This is how a real man lives.

A real man doesn’t childishly demand that his wife submit to his immature tantrums and a real man does not demand that his wife offer respect that he does not deserve.

A real man earns his wife’s respect because he is loving her so much and becoming more and more like Christ every day and in every way.

This is real living. This is real man-hood.

A woman cannot help but to admire and respect this man; and neither you nor anyone else will have to tell her to.

Try Living Like A Real Man

That Will Earn You Real Respect

(his newsletter has been adapted from a Chapter in our Next Book.
The new book will be done hmm.. well, someday!
We are shooting for October now.. before we leave for Africa.
The title will be “Livin’ It and Lovin’ It!”

Our DVD set that is available for only $50 (eight hours of teaching) covers MUCH of the material that will be in our new book. It is so very, very powerful when combined with the book, “The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!” You can order these at our web site.

You can use the DVD set to hold a marriage seminar in your home!

You can order it at www.godsavemymarriage.com

Just click on “order book” and you will be taken to the order page to order the book, DVD set, audio book or whatever you would like to order.

We keep getting regular reports of changed marriages because of these materials. Someday a huge publisher will market this stuff to millions of people but for now we are doing it all.. with your help. God is helping hurting couples to find us.
The amount of marriages that have been DRASTICALLY healed and the amount of suffering wives who have been strengthened to take a stand in their relationship with uncaring husbands is HUGE in relation to the amount of couples who have received the material. Help more folks find us! Between you, us and God, the world can be changed.

We don’t ask for offerings much, but we do need your help. We would like to pay off the 2000 books that are printed for Africa and we are full time in this marriage ministry now with counseling on the phone, e-mail and in person.

Most hurting couples are also strapped financially.. so we really need you who have some funds available to help pay the way for us to be able to offer our help to hurting couples on a full time basis. What you make happen for others, God will make happen for you.

If you sow into a marriage ministry, your sowing can only help your own marriage as you reap from the seed that you sow. In addition to paying off the books in Africa, your offering will go to feed hungry children.. OURS! (smile)

Blessings!

Joel and Kathy Davisson
Authors of “The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!”

Just click on one of the following links to discover this life changing work:

www.joelandkathy.com

Joel and Kathy Davisson 50 Palmetto Bay Rd. HHI, SC 29928
Joel and Kathy Davisson 244 Pine Grove Drive Palm Coast, FL 32164

Do you remember a month ago, the testimony about 12 Days To a Miracle? That testimony has grown! The following are testimonies that have come in from Chris, Michelle and four of their children!

Michelle and Chris Pastor a church and have seven children! They were visiting Ignited Church on New Years Eve. Pastor Stephen Strader invited us to share from the platform and we gave a ten minute testimony of what God has done in our life and what he has done in the marriages of three other couples who were in attendance at the same New Years Eve Praise and Worship meeting.

Pastor Stephen had also invited us to set up a product table. Forty couples purchased a set of “The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!” and “Livin’ it and Lovin’ It!” One of those couples was Chris and Michelle. Their life has been changed!

Michelle read the book and realized that Chris had not been the husband that he needed to be for many years. The two books and an ultimatum – Chris read the books and received the message immediately. We posted the original letters in a newsletter last month. Here are updates from more of the family!

From Alana, Michelle and Chris’s 17 year old daughter:

Hey mom, this is Alanah.

You asked me to write my impression of Dad’s change since going to Lakeland on New Years Eve and meeting the Davisson’s. Well, it has been awesome!

It was probably hard for him, but I think he took it pretty well actually – the change I mean. He didn’t like freak out and rebel like most immature people do. He just accepted he was in the wrong and did something about it.

I’m not saying it was easy for him, but if he can do it then us kids can. I knew that when dad changed it would change our whole family. I just wasn’t sure how that would affect us. Now I know that that we have to take that spirit off of us that was on him – just like he did.

It’s kinda weird to see you and dad always hugging and being close now, but it’s a good weird! Ha ha. It’s good – we’re just not used to it = )

What I think is cool is how mom isn’t sick anymore. You don’t freak out as much. You don’t seem so stressed and you’re smiling ALOT more.

And I noticed a difference when you guys work together.. Dad really wants to help you with EVERYTHING. You guys can calmly discuss things about work, and family, and church without arguing! All because dad chose to change! One right decision had a ripple effect of blessings and that’s what I thought was so cool! = )

Awesome Alana! Letters like this make us happy, happy, happy! Joel and Kathy

From Megan, 18 year old daughter, concerning the change in dad:

Well, the transformation was like night and day. Before dad changed, he was never mean or anything, but he wasn’t happy like he is now. Every time I see dad I can see this joy surrounding him. A joy that was never there before. Its awesome to see. I only see him at work and church and I’ve noticed a tremendous difference, so the other kids probably can say even more about his change. Dad I think it’s awesome you were able to admit you were wrong for so long in your marriage. That could not have been easy, but the result has been amazing. Mom has never been happier. Its awesome to see you guys so in love with each other.

From Dan, the 14 year old son:

It wasn’t very hard to see that there was something more than wrong in my parents relationship. But when dad finally changed everything got a whole lot better.

The change in dad brought changes in everyone else in our family, including me. Now that dad changed everyone gets along, All The thanks goes to God and also to mom for not giving up on her ‘mission’ to change my dad.

From Tim, the 15 year old son:

The change in dad was incredible!! I noticed there was something going on between mom in dad in those marriage-threatening three days before he was transformed and I didn’t like it- not one bit. I would try and talk to dad and he would have this look that said, “just go away!!! Im thinking!!!” haha – and mom was just angry with dad.

She had read this book about marriage and finally saw that all the problems in their marriage was dads fault. I guess dad couldn’t accept that and so he blocked out the world for three days. Thankfully though, God set dad straight and he made him see that he was actually the problem all those years!!

and now… Dad is so different! Mom and dad are always hugging and kissing (I tease them about it all the time ) and they are so happy!

Dad has changed drastically all thanks to Mom and God.

Whoot, go dad!
and mom.
and God!!!

From Chris (the husband) of Chris and Michelle:

Wow! My life has changed so much! Michelle calls the change, “From Jerk to Awesome!” (I love her calling me “awesome!” and I deserve it now!)

After I repented to God and Michelle for the way I had treated her over the years I was able to see all the times in my life where I had missed the opportunities to love Michelle.

Over the years I had developed the attitude that I was right and Michelle was wrong in our marriage. After all she was the one that was always screaming and yelling. I thought since I wasn’t the one yelling then I must be right.

I always thought if people just treated each other nicely then we wouldn’t have any problems.

My thoughts were that marriage was a 50/50 deal. I thought she wasn’t pulling her weight.

My love for her was not unconditional, it was very conditional. After being a believer for 16 years you would think I knew what it meant to love someone unconditionally – but I did not.

I still have a hard time believing I was so deceived for so long. Now my eyes are opened and I can see all the times I missed it. When Michelle brings up something from our past now I can just say “I’m sorry” and really let her know that I was wrong.

Before I changed, if Michelle brought anything up from our past it would make me mad and I would walk out of the room. It is amazing how much peace I have now and how much God has opened me up to give and receive love. I feel like I can love anyone and also feel like it is very fulfilling to be able to love others.

I really want to make up the years to my wife that I neglected her needs. It gives me a whole new outlook about my life.

From Michelle, (the wife) of Chris and Michelle:

Chris and I were saved but were in the desert in our marriage for 16 years wandering around.

Since my husband was in the desert, I was also in the desert, like it or not since I am married to him.

I have yearned for the day of being in the promised land in our marriage.
I believed by faith, “we will get there!”

After reading Joel and Kathy’s books and watching the DVD set, Chris and I are in the promised land of milk and honey in our marriage!

The Promised land is a place where no self, no ego, and no pride lives.

I HAVE BEEN CONQUERING THESE ENEMIES FOR the LAST 16 YEARS – AND THE BIGGEST AND STRONGEST WAS CHRIS’S SHELL. We have destroyed that shell now!

I had been babying Chris and trying to make him happy so that he would go to Revival meetings last summer. That did not help.

Finally, we made it to Lakeland in January. The Lakeland Revival had broken out there the previous year. We needed a miracle! Guess who was there! Joel and Kathy. They shared from the platform and we bought their books.

Because we went to Ignited Church on New Years Eve, met Joel and Kathy and read their book, we finally obtained BREAKTHROUGH,! Chris’s eyes are completely OPEN TO SEE WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM AND HE REPENTED!

I challenge all married couples to read that book! Obey it, and your marriage will get out of the desert. I promise you it will happen to you the same way it happened to us in our marriage!

When a wife yells or screams, it is because she hurts! Men, do not allow your wife to act like that by hurting her with your pride and ego. You can stop her right now by pouring the love of God into her.

Get her face to glow today! Love her, and honor her. If you love God JUST DO IT before you lose your wife, before another year is wasted in the desert.

Here are those original letters from Chris and Michelle:

Twelve days to a miracle!

From Chris – husband, father of 7 and with his wife Michelle are Pastors. We received this one week after they met us and purchased the books and DVD set on New Year’s Eve:

Dear Joel and Kathy,

I just met you at the New Years Ablaze at Ignited Church over the New Year weekend.

Things really hit the fan after my wife read your book!

I have been listening to your DVDs and my whole world has turned upside down.

I don’t even feel like I know who I am anymore! I really believe what you are saying about husbands and know I need to change.

I messed the marriage up myself. I don’t want to go that route anymore.
Chris

Second letter we received from Chris just a few days later:

Wow!! After my wife read your book she became extremely upset. She threatened to divorce!

We watched your DVD at church and it really got to me. I went to my office late that night and really repented of what I was doing. I feel like I was really set free!!

I am not a dominant type so that was not our problem.

My problem was I was blaming her for all our problems.

One segment in your DVD nailed me to the wall.

You talked about the type of husband who just sits there and does not talk when his wife yells and even when she escalates to screaming. He sits and thinks he is “so Godly” because he is not talking to her. (As he silently sings to himself, “I shall not be, I shall NOT be moved!”) That was me. I was convinced everything was her fault.

After reading your books, Michelle talked about all the things that bothered her; things that I had done over the years. I could really see where I had been selfish and not dead to self like I am supposed to be.

If she would have brought all those things up one week ago I would have left the room and thought she was so messed up.

I could really see where I was wrong in each situation (truly a miracle!) and I didn’t even get upset. I told her I was really sorry (many times).

I really believe what you say about the husband being able to heal his wife by representing Christ likeness.

If I had not read the book or watched the DVD I would not have been able to really repent. I would have said “I’m sorry.” only to save the marriage but I don’t think anything would have changed. The same problems would have lingered for who knows how many more years.

I feel like I have been set free.

It feels like when I was first born again.

The freedom is amazing.

I really want to make my wife the happiest women on the earth and our kids the best kids they can be. Now I feel like I can make it happen.

I didn’t know I was so blinded concerning our marriage. Thanks for going through and paving the way for the rest of us!! I never would have gotten this on my own.

Chris

From Chris’s wife, Michelle. We received this today, January 13, 2009; 12 days after the New Years Eve service. 12 Days to a Miracle!

Dear Joel and Kathy,

I have to brag this for the glory of God.

I just got a brand new husband, who has Chirst likeness now! My old husband had self pity and fear of losing love.

Chris had a car accident when he was 11 years old and lost his Mom. He was in the car with her. He woke up in the hospital and couldn’t wait to tell his Mom the story of the car accident. Later, he found out that she was already dead. He never went through a healing process. This created childhood baggage that caused him to not give 100 percent to our marriage. He was afraid of losing me like he had lost his mom – and he had never grown up.

ALL THAT IS CHANGING NOW! The other day he repented and cried for 2 hours. He realized that it was time for him to grow up; otherwise he was about to lose me. He had to either choose me or his old self pity and fear that he has kept all these years.

Joel and Kathy said in the book that a husband is not to mistreat his wife, simply because he has past baggage. It is bad for both husband and wife. They said that a man cannot blame his bad treatment of his wife on his or her “past baggage.”

When a couple blames their problems on past baggage, then they will never grow into maturity and will never have a great marriage. Joel and Kathy said that my husband would have to get over that past baggage and love me so that he could become the person God has called him to be.

I listened to that counsel, and I wasn’t going to have his stronghold of “old man bully” to bully me anymore, 20 years is long enough!

I, as Chris’s wife, have every right to ask him to love me and respect me; 100 percent.

That is the reason I gave him the ultimatum: either change and begin to love me 100 percent or leave me.

I want what is best for my hubby, and he got it!

He changed overnight!

He chose me and God over the devil and flesh!

The fear devil left him when he repented and the Holy Spirit came and ministered him. My hubby got what God wanted him to have!

He got his first love back with me and his Lord – both at once!

Yes, it has only been 1½ days but the change is wonderful!

The affection and love he is pouring out on me is so much I can hardly take it! I just need to adjust to this new husband I think.(My husband is acting like his heavenly Father: He is giving me so much love that I cannot contain it all!)

His heart feels so warm, and his words are so sweet to me. His eyes are so caring. It is just like having Jesus in my home in Chris’s body!

He says I know more than he does because I am more intuitive. Chris says that he will be listening to me more to prevent mistakes in the future.

My heart is so overwhelmed and I am falling love with him all over again.

Husbands, if you will love your wife as Christ loves the church, then she will fall in love with you all over again. She will do anything for you.

Joel and Kathy’s book really works.

Chris also told our children that in our 21 years of marriage, he was the one causing the problems and that I was (almost) always right when we had problems. Now THAT is a REAL man when a man can admit that! That is what turned Joel around and it also has turned my husband around!

Husbands can you really from the bottom of your heart say that kind of thing to your wife? No, you cannot, unless you have died to self.

Chris is so mature to admit all that!!!!

He is a champion!!! My husband – the champion! That sounds SO nice! I finally can say it because it is TRUE!

If you die to your ego, then your wife can come alive and enjoy your love.

I was already a happy person before this new husband showed up. Now I am extra happy because my Hubby is filling me up with love by touching, caring, kissing, hugging and honoring me front of our children.

The Glory of God is all over me, him, my kids, my family, my church; it is everywhere we go! All because my husband was willing to read these two books, saw the truth and CHANGED! I am simply ENJOYING the benefits! I sowed for many years to get this miracle!

Second letter from Michelle, received on January 14th.

Dear Joel and Kathy,

I am finally being treated like a human being for the first time in my marriage!

I am amazed how good it feels to be treated with true, unconditional love by my husband constantly. This feeling is better than having a million dollars!

In the past, we were not successful staying in patience in the car when Chris was driving. Today was a different story! We were behind schedule and he had to go somewhere fast. He was tailgating the car in front hit the break to avoid a collision.

I was sitting in the passenger seat and screamed a little. In the past, before he changed, he would say he hates it when I react like that.

This time my Hubby reached over to me and said it would be just fine. He spoke so calmly and his kind tone calmed me down so quickly.

God’s peace on my husband is so thick. That peace has now come upon me and the glory of God is revealing things to me that have never been revealed to me before.

God began to show me that I have been affected by fear toward my husband in the past. As God began to reveal these things to me, I saw that fear, insecurity, nervousness, immature and negative thoughts in me being to leave me!

Where was I when I was receiving these revelations? I was watching the movie “Toy Story” with my babies! I was getting all this revelation about myself and at the same time being set free from it by this illumination from Holy Spirit.

Just like the Apostle Paul said in Ephesians 1:

That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, 18 the eyes of your understanding[c] being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, 19 and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power!

The Spirit of revelation was shining upon my soul! As the light of God was shining, all darkness was being dispelled out of me.

The same Spirit of God that has been upon my husband is now upon me and He is cleaning me up too!

I realize that Chris and I are truly one entity. Whatever he gets from God, it comes to me too.

As Chris showed me unconditional love; which was the heart of God through Chris, that love was penetrating into my soul with healing. He was mending, revealing and dispelling darkness that was in me.

Basically my inner healing is being done because the love of God in Chris is so genuine and pure and sincere. It is taking me to next level in my love walk.

I can love people better now, because Chris is filling me with the love of God and makes me overflow with joy.

My Hubby is causing a revival in my heart!

God only needed one person to die to bring peace on this earth.

And still God is looking for that husband who will die for His kingdom to be manifested in your marriage, your family, your church, your city, your nation.

I think Chris has been chosen to do this and I believe that the favor of God is on him. I believe God will make him a great nation to show God’s glory and power to this dark world.

He is already doing it, being used as a leader to bring the glory of God in his wife and his kids first, then to the church and then to unchurched people.

I am constantly fed with the love of God by my husband.

It tastes so good, just like tasting God Himself. My marriage now feels like I am getting a taste of heaven on earth!

Now I know why most Christian women look so miserable, grumpy, sick and overweight; their husbands are feeding their wives bad stuff. I just can’t wait till their husbands get this revelation of their true role in bringing love and healing to their wives.

Thank you Joel and Kathy

PS
I have never met a man or couple who have a marriage that is like what you are teaching. I had resorted to treating my Hubby like one of my kids because he acted like one in the past. Yes, I did not know any different, so I was happy with this big kid even though he got on my nerves – because after all, that is what kids do! They get on their parents nerves sometimes!

I was a happy wife with him (not realizing that a husband is supposed to be a grown up!)

Now I am happier – and I am liking my grown up husband much better!

Guys, when your wife needs to talk to you, position yourself to receive her heart and minister life to her.

I know, when a wife says, “We need to talk” -  the average husband can be heard to say, “Can’t we get a root canal instead, and hold the numbing agent!”

So you don’t like to hear your wife talk about what YOU have done to hurt her?

So, big deal. You hurt her. Get over yourself and listen to her.

She is hurting and you are the ONLY husband that she has.

If you don’t listen to her, there are plenty of predators out there who will listen to your wife… listen her all the way into their arms.

Gary Smalley tells a real life story of a man who HUGGED a woman into an affair. He was a predator, looking for that hurting wife, so he gave all the women at church big hugs. He found one vulnerable lass and that hug every week led her right into an affair with him. He hugged her into an affair!

You had better listen to your wife and hug her. You are the only husband she has – so step up to the plate guys. Happy wife, happy life!

Frustrated wife, not so happy life!

So, when your wife needs to talk to you about something, immediately position yourself mentally.

When your wife says, “I need to talk to you about something.”  or even if she less gracefully just comes in and starts unloading some hurtful feelings and words, position yourself mentally, as quickly as possible.

What do I mean by position yourself?

The first step is FOCUS.

Focus: My wife is needing to talk. Right now. She is the most important person in my world and what she wants to talk about is THE most important thing in my world. At this moment, I am going to SHOVE everything out of the way. I am going to SHOVE everything else out of my mind. I am going to push away from the computer or paperwork. Whatever.

I am going to FOCUS, RIGHT NOW, on my wife and what she needs to say.

This is it. This is my ONLY job, RIGHT NOW.

That is the first step to getting into the position that you need to be in mentally.

Why is this so hard for us guys? Who cares. It just is. So just do it.

This  is what a grown, mature and emotionally healthy man naturally does.

The rest of us have to work REAL HARD at it.

Second, force yourself to accept this up front – that what your wife has to say IS EXTREMELY important.

It is the ONLY important thing and it MEANS A LOT to her. So you are going to give her the dignity of TAKING WHAT SHE IS SAYING VERY SERIOUS.

Third, realize that she is probably “right.”

Your natural inclination is going to be to want to point out why she is actually “wrong”.  Don’t do it.

In MOST CASES, when a wife really needs to talk to her husband about something to do with their relationship or her feelings, she is “right” – so let her be right.

Even if you think she is wrong, simply accept that she is probably right.

If she is wrong, that will work itself out later.

For now, the problem is that YOU are trying to be the “judge” of whether she is “right” or “wrong” – and guess what? When you take the position of “judge” – then you are signaling to her that you don’t think that she is as smart as you are.

Not good guys.

That is not going to give you that “happy wife, happy life.”

So, instead of letting you feel like YOU are the one who has all knowledge about whatever she is talking to you about, start instead with the presupposition that SHE is right and YOU are wrong.

Listen to her. Understand her. Let her put her mind into yours. Expand your mind and heart.

TRY to see what she sees.

Try to FEEL what she feels.

Try to understand what she understands.

Obviously, we are talking here about relationship issues.

If she says, “I feel like we should take our money out of the 401 and give it to my mom” – then we are stepping outside of relationship issues.

Now you need help!

When it comes to RELATIONSHIP issues though, let YOU be WRONG and let your WIFE be right; when there is a disagreement.

What has been your position up until now? (that is, if your marriage is bad and your wife is not happy – so you are not having a happy life either).

The main reason for that unhappiness is that YOU have taken the position of being the one who is ultimately “right” when it comes to relationship issues.

When your wife speaks and you disagree, you argue, you fight, you go silent and disregard her, whatever. In your way, you let her know that you disagree; and naturally, since you disagee, then she must therefore be wrong.

What is the life you are living when you think that you are always right and she is always wrong when you disagree with her? It is NOT the HAPPY life.

Some men disagree with this. They say, “If I think she is wrong, then why should I let her be right?” -

Well, what is the alternative?

The alternative is to decide that YOU are always right when there is a disagreement – and how arrogant and cocky is that?

You are like almighty God who can never be wrong?

So when your wife agrees with you, she is right, but when she disagrees with you, she is wrong?

I don’t think so. If you were that smart, you would be a multi-millionare AND you would have a happy wife!

Do you understand?

You don’t want to “let” her be right but you want to force her to finally agree that YOU are “right.”

Guys, that is not smart. It is idiotic.

You could write a book. “The idiot’s guide to destroying a marriage”

Chapter one title is: “Always decide that you are right and stick to your guns when you and your wife have a disagreement about relationship issues.”

Don’t write that book, guys. Be a GREAT husband instead.

Realize that your wife is smarter than you when it comes to relationship issues.

Let her teach you HOW to BE that GREAT HUSBAND.

You CAN do this! You CAN be an outstanding man of God – an OUTSTANDING husband, an AWESOME example of maturity and manhood in your marriage.

Let’s go for it! Let’s just DO IT!

Here are the rest of those “listening” rules (given to us by a frustrated wife – LEARN from her:

DO NOT:

1. try to encourage her by reminding her of all the good things you are doing and the progress you have made …  in effect it is saying, “Look how far we have come … you should not be feeling this way.”

2. interrupt her while she is talking. Let her have the floor. If she interrupts you when you finally do begin to talk, LET  HER interrupt you. Stop talking. What she has to say is the most important thing in your world… remember?

3. raise your voice

4. make explanations

5. do not say “I am trying …”

6. do not say “but I did that”

DO:

1. listen

2. apologize for what you did that made her feel this way

3. ***ask her what you can do to help settle her heart***

4. ***then do what she asks, whether you think it is necessary or reasonable, or not***

Thank you for that contribution, Ms. Wife. We guys need help! Your husband is very fortunate that you communicate things clearly to him. He has no excuse for not being a good listener.

Ladies, be like her. Spell it out to your husband. What? You think we should know these things instinctively? Ah yes, and I have a piece of the Brooklyn Bridge to sell to you! Don’t be gullible. We men don’t have the marriage manual in our heart. You do. If we can get hubby to listen, then your job is to verbalize. God gave you a gift for that, by the way. Use that gift. Teach your husband how to treat you. How to treat the kids. Help him learn!

Word to the “wise” wives: You are going to keep our books in mind also.

Remember, you are hurt, too.

If you say to your husband, “I don’t want you to touch me” and that goes on for more than an hour or so, then you are not really communicating properly.

You can say, “You want to touch me? You want some lovin? Well then, apologize to me for what you did and convince me that you are not going to do it anymore!”

If you don’t like to make love, but your husband is really trying to be  a good husband, don’t say, “My heart only wants to make love once a week.”  (or, once a month or once a year!)

If you are saying that, you need help!  Call our group mentoring call. Get on our forum.

If you are having a hard time figuring out what your legitimate, heartfelt needs are, versus what your wounded heart might be over-reacting too, then get onto our group calls. Get on our forum.

Tell our helpers what hubby is or is not doing. Talk about how you handled it – and our helpers will speak to him for you, helping him to understand your heart – or, they might say, “Yes, sweetie, in this issue, you are indeed being a bit unreasonable. Your husband is not perfect. He is going to make mistakes. You can’t say to him, “You forgot to kiss me goodbye this morning, no sex tonight!”

You can’t carry a grudge. You can’t have a “chip on your shoulder.”

What you CAN do though is to COMMUNICATE to him CLEARLY what he is or is not doing that is hurting you.

That is what this article is about.

If he does not listen, then drag him onto the group calls and forum.

We are here to help you.

(In reality, the majority of the times, when someone is putting the brakes on lovemaking, it is the husband. Go figure. But yes, we still see some wives who “limit” their husbands lovemaking. Don’t do that ladies. If he is becoming a decent husband, make love often. To you guys who don’t initiate? We have a flogging station for idiots… some husbands would give ANYTHING for their wife to WANT to make love!.. and you are ignoring your wife every night?)

Some husbands just need more help than others to LEARN – but ALL men are CAPABLE of learning how to be great husbands.

Did you hear that guys, YOU CAN BE A GREAT HUSBAND AND DAD! It is IN YOU. Let your wife reach in and pull that GREATESS out of you.

That is WHY she married you, after all. She SAW the GREAT, loving, kind man that you are DESTINED to be (if you will ever listen to her and make the needed changes!)