Do you want respect from your wife?
Do you want the strife to just quit in your marriage?
For insight on how to have an Outrageously Happy Marriage, look to King Solomon.
His “mode of operandi” with the Queen of Sheba is a perfect example of the biblical pattern to a happy marriage.If God says that Solomon is the wisest King that ever lived, we need to be like him!
(Or of course some men will just keep doing things the way that they think is right and keep having frustrations in their marriage as they wait for their wife to someday just submit enough to them and give them enough undeserved respect to eliminate their pain and all of the strife that SHE causes. Can anyone say, “Tongue in cheek?” To the “naysayers”.. yes, we realize they were not married. Quit grasping for excuses!)
Solomon did not resent or reject a woman’s questions.
The Queen of Sheba came to Solomon and asked him many questions.
“So Solomon answered all her questions.”
1 Kings 10:1-3
Solomon earned a woman’s respect by answering her questions. He did not respond to her hard questions with, “Shut up woman! You are disrespecting me by asking me all of these questions.”
No. King Solomon earned her respect by doing just the opposite. He answered her questions.
Many husbands, unlike Solomon, often resent their wives questions, even the simplest ones.
• Who are you talking to?
• Who is that e-mail written to?
• Who is Suzy? Lisa? Why did she call you?
• How did work go today?
For example, a husband gets a phone call. It is a woman.
The wife hears just enough to know it is a woman’s voice.
She asks afterward, “Who was on the phone?”
Instead of her husband maturely answering, “That was Lisa, the supervisor at work. She needed to know where I put the Spillman case files.” He will say, “Don’t worry about it; I have it under control.”
Why does a man answer this way?
His emotional growth is stunted to the point that he feels like her question is a personal attack or questioning of his character. He ‘feels’ like she is disrespecting him; not because she is, but because he is a child (in an adult body), resisting her desire for a one flesh relationship.
What does it do to a wife when her husband evades her question in this manner?
She rightfully feels devalued, dishonored and put down.
You know what happens next, don’t you?
She says, “What do you mean, ‘You have it under control?’ That was a woman’s voice. I want to know who it was.”
To this, her resistant and unwise husband says, “Woman, back off. I said I have it under control. It doesn’t matter who it was. The problem is taken care of.”
Now, Suzy is grabbing for the phone to check the caller ID.
He is pulling away.
They get into a shoving match in which she is screaming at him about hiding his girlfriends and she is going to call the woman and tell her to back off.
At this point, he is calling her a crazy woman and telling her that he is going to divorce her if she does not just shut up and back off.
This is when she throws a plate at him or kicks him where it counts!
Maybe instead of lashing out she crumples in tears and goes to the bedroom to cry alone.
Whatever her response, she is a victim of emotional abuse inflicted upon her by a very insecure and very emotionally arrested husband.
A recent book written to “women only” offers a solution to this problem. That books solution is to tell a wife to just trust her husband. Her questions convey disrespect to him and no man wants to be disrespected.
That is a bunch of hog-wash.
Egads. Let’s grow up men and then ask our wives to forgive us for our past trespasses in this regard.
Let’s ask them to love us as we are maturing. Let’s ask our wives ONLY to positively respond to our proactive actions of love. We men should not want undeserved respect and love from our wives! We worked hard to get her to marry us; we should be able to give her plenty of reasons to love and respect us.
Men, the solution to the problems in your marriage is not for your wife to cater to your insecurities by giving you undeserved respect and avoiding asking you questions that will “make you feel undermined”. Oh, come on. Grow up.
It is your wife’s job to help you find your insecurities so that you can die to them as you are in the process of meeting her needs!
What was this wife’s need? She just needed to know that her husband was having a legitimate phone call from a legitimate person and that the voice on the other end of the phone was not a threat.
Your resistance to her is a “sure-fire” signal to your wife that, sure enough, the voice on the other end of the phone is a threat! She is going to do whatever she has to do to put that threat out!
The solution is for a husband to be like Solomon. Answer all of your wife’s questions.
In this way you will EARN her respect instead of demanding it like a toddler.
Even better, your wife won’t be reading books written to women only which teach them to give you unearned respect. Yuck. No REAL man wants that. Give me a break.
I don’t know about all wives, but let me tell you about Kathy.
During the bad ten years, Kathy was always reading books on marriage, trying to find the keys to having a happy one.
The problem was that all of the books were telling her to submit to and to respect me, regardless of whether I was right or wrong.
These types of books do nothing for a struggling marriage because a wife cannot initiate positive change in a marriage.
A wife can only help her marriage by offering positive reactions in response to her husbands’ pro-active efforts at growing and meeting her needs. (Those books for the most part are fine for a decent marriage where a husband is already being a loving, gentle, thoughtful, considerate husband. When a husband is doing good at “going first” then it is good for a wife to find ways to pour out affection, praise and respect upon him.)
To finish the story, Kathy was always reading books about marriage in our bad ten years.
After I got healed of my wrong theology and began to grow and mature as a man and husband, life got progressively easier for Kathy.
She never reads books on marriage now! She just relaxes and enjoys life, enjoying me, the kids, God, our extended family and friends.
This is how it is supposed to be.
“So Solomon answered all her questions.”
1 Kings 10:1-3
Here is the entire passage.
1 Kings 10:1-13
Now when the queen of Sheba heard of the fame of Solomon concerning the name of the LORD, she came to test him with hard questions.
(Note: These were hard questions. Many husbands get bothered if a wife simply asks what made him late getting home from work!)
2 She came to Jerusalem with a very great retinue, with camels that bore spices, very much gold, and precious stones;
(Note: When you fell in love with your wife, you were so excited about the gift that she was from God to you. She was everything that you ever hoped for. She came to you “bearing gifts” that is, the gift of herself!)
…And when she came to Solomon, she spoke with him about all that was in her heart.
(Note: Solomon made her a priority and he LISTENED to her. He allowed her to share all that was in her heart. Many husbands cannot listen to their wives for more than five minutes before they are telling her that she is really irritating them. Thus the difference between wisdom and the average husband!)
3 So Solomon answered all her questions; there was nothing so difficult for the king that he could not explain it to her.
(See? He answered all of her questions.)
4 And when the queen of Sheba had seen all the wisdom of Solomon, the house that he had built, 5 the food on his table, the seating of his servants, the service of his waiters and their apparel, his cupbearers, and his entryway by which he went up to the house of the LORD, there was no more spirit in her.
(Note: even if your wife seems like she is ‘on the attack’, if you will be like Solomon; answer all her questions and do all things well, she will find a place of peace and be very appreciative of her kind, loving and understanding husband. She will have no more fighting spirit in her; for this day. Keep it up and the days of fighting will be a fading, dim memory.)
Now, watch how this woman responded to Solomon’s patience, kindness, openness, honesty and receptivity to her questions:
6 Then she said to the king: “It was a true report which I heard in my own land about your words and your wisdom. 7 However I did not believe the words until I came and saw with my own eyes; and indeed the half was not told me. Your wisdom and prosperity exceed the fame of which I heard. 8 Happy are your men and happy are these your servants, who stand continually before you and hear your wisdom! 9 Blessed be the LORD your God, who delighted in you, setting you on the throne of Israel! Because the LORD has loved Israel forever, therefore He made you king, to do justice and righteousness.”
(Notice how she praised him, AFTER he listened to her heart and answered all of her questions. He did not buy her the latest “wife-improvement” book that told her that he “needs” her praise and she should therefore praise him, even if he doesn’t listen to her heart and answer her questions.)
The queen of Sheba did not stop with praise though:
10 Then she gave the king one hundred and twenty talents of gold, spices in great quantity, and precious stones. There never again came such abundance of spices as the queen of Sheba gave to King Solomon. 11 Also, the ships of Hiram, which brought gold from Ophir, brought great quantities of almug wood and precious stones from Ophir. 12 And the king made steps of the almug wood for the house of the LORD and for the king’s house, also harps and stringed instruments for singers. There never again came such almug wood, nor has the like been seen to this day.
Women are alike in this way. They respond to a man who listens to them, patiently answers their questions and makes them a priority.
They will give him their heart, their mind, their everything.
Women are made for bonding and when they find a man who will listen and talk to them, the bonding impulse responds.
It better be you, the husband who is supplying this need for her! (Thus the reason that so many cases of adultery involve pastors, who get paid to listen to people’s problems and answer questions! Pastors with a lack of character can smell a woman a mile away who just needs a listening ear and an understanding heart.. and, well, you know the rest of the story.)
After the Queen of Sheba gave Solomon gifts, he then gave gifts back to her.
13 Now King Solomon gave the queen of Sheba all she desired, whatever she asked, besides what Solomon had given her according to the royal generosity. So she turned and went to her own country, she and her servants. NKJV
See the pattern? The wife (Sheba) came with questions. The husband, (Solomon) listened to ALL of her heart, (cough, gag, gasp) and answered ALL of her questions. (Your killing me now!)
After a husband does this, he earns his wife’s respect and she gives him everything.
A pattern for a breath taking marriage is now set in place as the husband then responds by giving of himself to his wife even more.
Both husband and wife are now giving and receiving, and the pattern is set for that outrageously happy marriage.
But notice, it started with the husband, listening, valuing, prioritizing, honoring and answering her questions.
The husband is the initiator by listening and answering. The wife is the responder by doting on her husband and giving of herself back to him. He keeps the ball rolling by then giving even more of himself to her.
So, you want your wife to respect you?
Be like Solomon and you will never have to ask your wife to respect you.
The only catch is that you can never once tell your wife that she is supposed to respect you.
Just do the Solomon thing and WATCH.
If you do the Solomon thing for a season you will have all the respect that you ever hoped for from your wife, plus a lot more.
But remember, you can never tell your wife that she has to respect you.
In addition, if you are ever in a church service or a seminar or if you ever notice that she is reading a book that is telling her to respect you, you must quickly assure her that you want her to ignore that;
Remind her that you just want her to be at peace and feel free to help you become the husband that she needs you to be.
Tell her that you never want her to feel like she has to generate “agape-respect” which is respect that you have not earned. (We just coined a new term)
Tell her that you just want her to relax and when you have earned her respect, you know that she will give it to you freely without your ever asking her to. You will be taking a load off of your wife’s shoulders.
This is how a real man lives.
A real man doesn’t childishly demand that his wife submit to his immature tantrums and a real man does not demand that his wife offer respect that he does not deserve.
A real man earns his wife’s respect because he is loving her so much and becoming more and more like Christ every day and in every way.
This is real living. This is real man-hood.
A woman cannot help but to admire and respect this man; and neither you nor anyone else will have to tell her to.
Try Living Like A Real Man
That Will Earn You Real Respect
(his newsletter has been adapted from a Chapter in our Next Book.
The new book will be done hmm.. well, someday!
We are shooting for October now.. before we leave for Africa.
The title will be “Livin’ It and Lovin’ It!”
Our DVD set that is available for only $50 (eight hours of teaching) covers MUCH of the material that will be in our new book. It is so very, very powerful when combined with the book, “The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!” You can order these at our web site.
You can use the DVD set to hold a marriage seminar in your home!
You can order it at www.godsavemymarriage.com
Just click on “order book” and you will be taken to the order page to order the book, DVD set, audio book or whatever you would like to order.
We keep getting regular reports of changed marriages because of these materials. Someday a huge publisher will market this stuff to millions of people but for now we are doing it all.. with your help. God is helping hurting couples to find us.
The amount of marriages that have been DRASTICALLY healed and the amount of suffering wives who have been strengthened to take a stand in their relationship with uncaring husbands is HUGE in relation to the amount of couples who have received the material. Help more folks find us! Between you, us and God, the world can be changed.
We don’t ask for offerings much, but we do need your help. We would like to pay off the 2000 books that are printed for Africa and we are full time in this marriage ministry now with counseling on the phone, e-mail and in person.
Most hurting couples are also strapped financially.. so we really need you who have some funds available to help pay the way for us to be able to offer our help to hurting couples on a full time basis. What you make happen for others, God will make happen for you.
If you sow into a marriage ministry, your sowing can only help your own marriage as you reap from the seed that you sow. In addition to paying off the books in Africa, your offering will go to feed hungry children.. OURS! (smile)
Joel and Kathy Davisson
Authors of “The Man of Her Dreams/The Woman of His!”
Just click on one of the following links to discover this life changing work:
Joel and Kathy Davisson 50 Palmetto Bay Rd. HHI, SC 29928
Joel and Kathy Davisson 244 Pine Grove Drive Palm Coast, FL 32164