Why a Husband Wants to Give Unmerited Favor, Mercy and Blessing to His Sweetheart! In other words, GRACE! Just Like God Gives Us!

by Joel & Kathy


Ephesians 2:5 (amplified) Even when we were dead (slain) by our own shortcomings and trespasses, He made us alive together in fellowship and in union with Christ; (He gave us the very life of Christ Himself, the same new life with which he quickened him, for) it is by grace (His favor and mercy which you did not deserve) that you are saved (delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ’s salvation).

Titus  2:11 For the grace of God (His unmerited favor and blessing) has come forward (appeared) for the deliverance from sin .   v. 12 It has trained us to reject and renounce all ungodliness; to live discreet (temperate, self-controlled) upright, devout (spiritually whole) lives in this present world.   V.14 Who gave himself on our behalf that He might redeem us (purchase our freedom) from all iniquity and purify for Himself a people (to be peculiarly His own people who are) eager and enthusiastic about (living a life that is good and filled with) beneficial deeds.
Recently, Kathy’s friend Kelley purchased the book, “Destined to Reign” by Joseph Prince. The book emphasizes the grace of God ie: the fact that we can do nothing to earn God’s approval and blessing – or forgiveness, but that He has done it all for us. It is by Grace that we are saved. It is God’s favor and mercy which we did not deserve. It is His unmerited favor and blessing as we see in Titus and Ephesians above.

Kelley enjoyed the book so much that she gave a copy to her son and to her mother to read. Both her son and mother have had life changing transformations as they have realized and understood God’s grace and love for them.

The son, who was at best, a “nominal” Christian, has come to life! He has given his heart to the Lord completely and wants to love and serve Him the rest of his life. Her mother has had a completely changed attitude and outlook on life.  The change is DRAMATIC, according to Kelley.

How does this relate to marriage? Simple. The same Grace that God offers us is the same grace that a husband is to walk in toward his wife. When he does this, the same results are obtained!
What did God give? God gave GRACE! He gave us forgiveness, blessing, help and life, even when we did not deserve it and did nothing to “earn” it.  

When people understand God’s grace, they RESPOND, by WANTING to live for Him, WANTING to be the person whom God has called them to be.

We teach (well not we, but the Bible) that a man is to agape love his wife, offering her the same type of grace that God offers us as His children.

We then go on to teach that a wife is designed by God to RESPOND to this unmerited favor, the mercy that he shows her that she may not deserve, the mercy that he shows to his wife.

In a recovering marriage, a husband must offer LOTS of grace. Later, when a marriage is healed, he does not have to be conscious of this so much. Why? Because they have a great marriage and it is easy to love a great wife! However, in the beginning of a marriage recovery, a man must develop in his GRACE levels.
A husband is to give his wife unmerited favor, blessings and mercy – Why?
1.       She is carrying burdens you know not of.
2.       To force a man to mature.
3.       To touch that place of appreciation in his wife.
4.       He is representing God to his wife “While we were yet sinners, he died for us.”"
         1.   The first reason for a husband to give unmerited favor and blessing s to his wife is that his  wife is carrying burdens that you “know not of”.  
         A woman carries burdens that a husband often does not realize or recognize. Her brain is created different than his. He may say, “So, we have a financial situation that we are dealing with.” In his mind, everything else is just peachy fine.
          In her brain, she is dealing with the financial problem, the fact that the children seemed a little “off” today, the fact that her best friend seemed cold on the phone ten minutes ago and the fact that hubby left the house without tracking her down to give her a good-bye kiss.
          Her husband comes in the door from “wherever” on this day and finds that his wife is  ”laden down and heavy burdened.”  He wanted her to be in a good mood and peppy. (a great goal for a wife who is not burdened down by many things.) However, his wife IS burdened down. She is not in a good and peppy mood. What does the husband do?
          If he is still a childish and carnal husband, he gets “hurt”. He is “disappointed” that he did not come home to a cheery and happy wife. He feels cheated because he has “worked so hard all day” .
         He comes home and wants to be taken care of by a cheerful and happy wife. Instead, he is met with a wife who is burdened down with many things that he does not know about.  He gets angry and makes her burden ten times worse by announcing or displaying his disappointment that she is not being the kind of wife that he had hoped she would be today.
What would a growing husband do in a marriage that is making its way toward an Outrageously Happy Marriage?
         The Word of God tells this man to live with his wife in an understanding way.  The maturing husband will take a deep breath and draw on the ability that God has given him to offer grace to his wife. He recognizes that she is obviously dealing with issues in her female brain and emotions that he is not aware of – so he offers her GRACE.
           How does he offer grace? He lifts her load. He tenderly offers to be a blessing to her in whatever way she needs. If she does not know what she needs from him, he finds some way or another to bless her. Maybe he plays with the children. Maybe he cleans up the kitchen. Certainly he offers her some of the twenty hugs, smiles and kisses that he is giving her every day(!).  You ARE doing that each day, correct?
         Her husband is like Jesus who says, “Come unto me, all ye who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest; for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
          Her husband is like the Lord: He is not looking for ways that his wife is “earning” the right to be loved, nurtured and helped. He is GIVING her “unmerited favor, blessings and mercy.”
             2. The second reason that a husband must act like His Father God, is that it forces him to mature. When a husband is in his immaturity and carnal nature, he will be tempted to be critical, angry and “put down-ish” toward his wife. By him focusing on offering his wife unmerited favor, forgiveness and mercy, he cannot give place to any criticism or angry, put down-ish thoughts toward her.
         Realize that many times an immature and carnal man will feel critical and angry toward his wife, even when she is doing nothing for him to feel critical and angry about. So, for this man, forcing himself to offer grace, is killing his carnal nature that wants to keep his wife “under his feet.” In other situations, a wife truly IS in the wrong – and that is when her husband’s grace is needed even more.  
        If a wife were perfect, then she would NEVER need grace! (Kathy is at this point. I never have to draw on grace. She is, as I like to say, “Like Mary Poppins, Perfect in every way!”)

         We now live in a wonderful world of give and receive – where we offer each other grace for those things that are just weaknesses in our life personally. We try to help each other make up for those weaknesses and we don’t condemn one another.  Kathy gives grace because that is the natural thing for a wife to give back to her husband when he first gives it to her.

       So, sometimes a husband CONSCIOUSLY must DECIDE to give grace because:

         A.  HE is overly critical and he must offer grace to die to himself.
          B.  She actually is making a mistake or an intentional “my bad” and he gives her the free gift of favor, mercy and forgiveness.

           3.  The third reason for a husband to offer the same kind of grace to his wife that God offers all of us,  is so that a wife can “find” that place in herself of appreciation toward her husband.   (God’s grace again is Hisfavor and mercy which we did not deserve and His unmerited favor and blessing towards us)

            There are two kinds of wives this applies to: First, there is the wife who never really does  anything “wrong” in the first place. Her husband has been that critical and mean spirited husband who was always trying to make her feel like a loser. This wife appreciates the total transformation in her husband and she can just be free to be what she always wanted to be, which was a loving and appreciative wife who longed for the opportunity to just open her heart and sing the praises of her husband!

              The second wife is that one who needs the grace. She is hard. She is hurt. She is angry – and yes, she has not been an easy wife because of it. (She has become this way as a response to a bad husband – and she is angry at him and herself for becoming this way.)

            When a husband begins to mature and offers grace to his wife freely (unmerited favor and mercy, blessing and grace toward her) then she will begin to realize, “Wow. I am really being a pain and he just keeps loving on me, blessing me and showing me favor. What a great guy.”  Slowly, her walls can come down and she can begin to respond out of a place of appreciation toward him.

          Look again at the rest of the verse above:     v. 12 (God’s unmerited favor and mercy) has trained us to reject and renounce all ungodliness; to live discreet (temperate, self-controlled) upright, devout (spiritually whole) lives in this present world.   V.14 Who gave himself on our behalf that He might redeem us (purchase our freedom) from all iniquity and purify for Himself a people (to be peculiarly His own people who are) eager and enthusiastic about (living a life that is good and filled with) beneficial deeds.

           When we receive God’s grace, it makes us WANT TO SERVE HIM, BLESS HIM, and LOVE HIM!  When a wife receives her husband’s grace, his grace makes her WANT to love him, bless him, and yes, serve him in return. In the same way that God has made US responders to HIM, he has created a wife to be a responder to her husband. 

         When a husband is offering grace: unmerited favor, mercy and blessing to his wife, then she responds to him in the same manner that we respond to God’s grace toward us. She gives herself completely to him. We say, “What can I do for you, Lord Jesus?”  A wife says the same thing to a husband who is pouring out grace all the time.

        BE A GRACE-FULL husband! Show grace to your wife. She is just human, after all. She has stresses. She has hurts, disappointments, pains. Don’t expect her to always be perfect. She ain’t Kathy yet! (and you ain’t Joel yet!)  Smile.

         YES! The goal is an outrageously happy marriage. Yes, a wife has to receive her husband’s grace that he is offering when he is successfully doing so.  Yes, she can reject that – but that is not the point. The point first is, “Will a husband show his wife grace, becoming Christlike in the process?” That is what HE must focus on.

         And yes, a wife must check her heart to be sure that she is responding favorably to that man IF SHE WANTS AN OUTRAGEOUSLY HAPPY MARRIAGE.

         There are some other wives though – wives who simply do NOT want a happy marriage. What does a husband do In that case? That takes us to number 4.

           4. The fourth reason for a man to show unmerited love, favor, mercy and forgiveness is that he is truly being representative of God in her life.
           The Word of God says that “While we were yet  sinners, he died for us.” We work with a group of men who have so hurt their wives that they have “lost” their wives, not only to themselves, but their wives have backslid completely from the Lord. When these men find us, their wives, in most cases, are so angry, so bitter, so “done” – that they have not only cast away their husband, but they have also cast away the Lord. (again, the husbands’ fault – but that is not the point. The point is, “how can she be restored to the Lord and to a repentant husband?)

          This man was such a “clod” in his marriage that he has to lay his life down and suffer a long time in many cases, laying his life down like Jesus did, in severe emotional pain. If this husband sticks to the job, he is truly dying on a cross, just like Jesus did. Why should he do this? Because he is his wife’s best chance of salvation ie: returning to the Lord

          Does EVERY person on planet earth respond to God’s grace and love? No.

          At what point does God simply choose to stop offering his grace and love to us? Never!

          SHOULD God QUIT OFFERING HIS GRACE to us? No. He has MADE THE CHOICE to “Lead us to repentance by HIS GOODNESS.  A husband must make this same choice. He must learn what he did in the marriage to push his wife to this point, he must change, becoming Christlike, and he must offer the same Grace to his wife that God offers to us!

           Will EVERY wife turn around, back to her husband and back to the Lord? No. Of course not. But does that negate that a man should do his part of offering that love and grace? Of Course NOT!  Does God turn away from us when we reject HIS love? Of course not!

          Absolutely.  Most wives will.  What wife wouldn’t?

           That is the same question that we ask about people getting saved. Who would not finally respond to God’s love being poured out to them constantly?

             It is easier for a woman to respond to a husband whom she can see than it is for people to respond to a God that they cannot see. Why? Because she can see her husband’s love and grace poured out to her every day.

            If a person has a “wrong” view of God, seeing him as an angry, vengeful God, then they may not feel loved and safe enough to ever respond to Him. (That is why WE are commanded to preach the GOOD news: For God so LOVED the world that He gave…) 

        When a wife sees her husband’s love being poured out every day, even in the face of mistreatment (in the cases of the angry and bitter women who have turned away from God and their husband) – then his love is visible and tangible. If he is consistent, he will win her heart back; not only to himself, but to the LORD!

          What are the scriptures that we should stand on? Love Never Fails! (1 Corinthians 13) God has put into every woman a DESIRE for her husband. (Genesis 3) and Whatsoever things you desire, when you pray, believe that you receive these things and you shall have them.

         It is NOT God’s WILL that ANYONE should perish. It is not God’s will that ANY marriage would fail.

       It IS GOD’S WILL for severely troubled men to “WAKE UP” and realize that they have messed their beautiful wife up.

        Then it is God’s will for him to realize what it is that he did and CHANGE. This CHANGE process is excruciatingly painful in most cases. That is why it is called “crucifiction”.

        A man goes through this for the “HOPE” that is set before him (Hebrews) – That HOPE is for his family to be restored. When his family is restored, his wife’s heart is well and he is matured, then the pain is over – and you end up going from total misery in a marriage – to that place of having an outrageously happy marriage!
SALVATION HAS COME TO YOUR HOME! (Note: Salvation means to be saved in every area of life; NOT just eternal life (Like eternal life is a “just”?) SALVATION is a Greek word that covers every area of life in heaven AND on earth.

         When SALVATION comes to your marriage, it affects EVERY OTHER area of your life on earth in a positive way. Your children begin to get healed, your employment or business life improves, you become a better part of your church life community, you treat other people better – EVERY AREA of your life is affected when the MAIN area of your life is healed!

         Husbands, time to operate in grace. Whether the grace is because YOU are messed up and mistakenly think that your wife needs grace; or because she really does need grace; or a combination thereof; that does not matter. What matters is that YOU function in GRACE! Giving to your wife EVERY DAY, ALL DAY, unmerited favor, mercy or blessing.

Yes, the day comes when, like Kathy, a wife is so safe and a husband is mature – that he never has to THINK about offering grace. But that is not where you are now. NOW you have to THINK ABOUT IT AND DO IT! Every day

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