When Your Wife Needs to Talk to You about… well.. ok, you fill in the blank!

by Joel & Kathy

Guys, when your wife needs to talk to you, position yourself to receive her heart and minister life to her.

I know, when a wife says, “We need to talk” -  the average husband can be heard to say, “Can’t we get a root canal instead, and hold the numbing agent!”

So you don’t like to hear your wife talk about what YOU have done to hurt her?

So, big deal. You hurt her. Get over yourself and listen to her.

She is hurting and you are the ONLY husband that she has.

If you don’t listen to her, there are plenty of predators out there who will listen to your wife… listen her all the way into their arms.

Gary Smalley tells a real life story of a man who HUGGED a woman into an affair. He was a predator, looking for that hurting wife, so he gave all the women at church big hugs. He found one vulnerable lass and that hug every week led her right into an affair with him. He hugged her into an affair!

You had better listen to your wife and hug her. You are the only husband she has – so step up to the plate guys. Happy wife, happy life!

Frustrated wife, not so happy life!

So, when your wife needs to talk to you about something, immediately position yourself mentally.

When your wife says, “I need to talk to you about something.”  or even if she less gracefully just comes in and starts unloading some hurtful feelings and words, position yourself mentally, as quickly as possible.

What do I mean by position yourself?

The first step is FOCUS.

Focus: My wife is needing to talk. Right now. She is the most important person in my world and what she wants to talk about is THE most important thing in my world. At this moment, I am going to SHOVE everything out of the way. I am going to SHOVE everything else out of my mind. I am going to push away from the computer or paperwork. Whatever.

I am going to FOCUS, RIGHT NOW, on my wife and what she needs to say.

This is it. This is my ONLY job, RIGHT NOW.

That is the first step to getting into the position that you need to be in mentally.

Why is this so hard for us guys? Who cares. It just is. So just do it.

This  is what a grown, mature and emotionally healthy man naturally does.

The rest of us have to work REAL HARD at it.

Second, force yourself to accept this up front – that what your wife has to say IS EXTREMELY important.

It is the ONLY important thing and it MEANS A LOT to her. So you are going to give her the dignity of TAKING WHAT SHE IS SAYING VERY SERIOUS.

Third, realize that she is probably “right.”

Your natural inclination is going to be to want to point out why she is actually “wrong”.  Don’t do it.

In MOST CASES, when a wife really needs to talk to her husband about something to do with their relationship or her feelings, she is “right” – so let her be right.

Even if you think she is wrong, simply accept that she is probably right.

If she is wrong, that will work itself out later.

For now, the problem is that YOU are trying to be the “judge” of whether she is “right” or “wrong” – and guess what? When you take the position of “judge” – then you are signaling to her that you don’t think that she is as smart as you are.

Not good guys.

That is not going to give you that “happy wife, happy life.”

So, instead of letting you feel like YOU are the one who has all knowledge about whatever she is talking to you about, start instead with the presupposition that SHE is right and YOU are wrong.

Listen to her. Understand her. Let her put her mind into yours. Expand your mind and heart.

TRY to see what she sees.

Try to FEEL what she feels.

Try to understand what she understands.

Obviously, we are talking here about relationship issues.

If she says, “I feel like we should take our money out of the 401 and give it to my mom” – then we are stepping outside of relationship issues.

Now you need help!

When it comes to RELATIONSHIP issues though, let YOU be WRONG and let your WIFE be right; when there is a disagreement.

What has been your position up until now? (that is, if your marriage is bad and your wife is not happy – so you are not having a happy life either).

The main reason for that unhappiness is that YOU have taken the position of being the one who is ultimately “right” when it comes to relationship issues.

When your wife speaks and you disagree, you argue, you fight, you go silent and disregard her, whatever. In your way, you let her know that you disagree; and naturally, since you disagee, then she must therefore be wrong.

What is the life you are living when you think that you are always right and she is always wrong when you disagree with her? It is NOT the HAPPY life.

Some men disagree with this. They say, “If I think she is wrong, then why should I let her be right?” -

Well, what is the alternative?

The alternative is to decide that YOU are always right when there is a disagreement – and how arrogant and cocky is that?

You are like almighty God who can never be wrong?

So when your wife agrees with you, she is right, but when she disagrees with you, she is wrong?

I don’t think so. If you were that smart, you would be a multi-millionare AND you would have a happy wife!

Do you understand?

You don’t want to “let” her be right but you want to force her to finally agree that YOU are “right.”

Guys, that is not smart. It is idiotic.

You could write a book. “The idiot’s guide to destroying a marriage”

Chapter one title is: “Always decide that you are right and stick to your guns when you and your wife have a disagreement about relationship issues.”

Don’t write that book, guys. Be a GREAT husband instead.

Realize that your wife is smarter than you when it comes to relationship issues.

Let her teach you HOW to BE that GREAT HUSBAND.

You CAN do this! You CAN be an outstanding man of God – an OUTSTANDING husband, an AWESOME example of maturity and manhood in your marriage.

Let’s go for it! Let’s just DO IT!

Here are the rest of those “listening” rules (given to us by a frustrated wife – LEARN from her:

DO NOT:

1. try to encourage her by reminding her of all the good things you are doing and the progress you have made …  in effect it is saying, “Look how far we have come … you should not be feeling this way.”

2. interrupt her while she is talking. Let her have the floor. If she interrupts you when you finally do begin to talk, LET  HER interrupt you. Stop talking. What she has to say is the most important thing in your world… remember?

3. raise your voice

4. make explanations

5. do not say “I am trying …”

6. do not say “but I did that”

DO:

1. listen

2. apologize for what you did that made her feel this way

3. ***ask her what you can do to help settle her heart***

4. ***then do what she asks, whether you think it is necessary or reasonable, or not***

Thank you for that contribution, Ms. Wife. We guys need help! Your husband is very fortunate that you communicate things clearly to him. He has no excuse for not being a good listener.

Ladies, be like her. Spell it out to your husband. What? You think we should know these things instinctively? Ah yes, and I have a piece of the Brooklyn Bridge to sell to you! Don’t be gullible. We men don’t have the marriage manual in our heart. You do. If we can get hubby to listen, then your job is to verbalize. God gave you a gift for that, by the way. Use that gift. Teach your husband how to treat you. How to treat the kids. Help him learn!

Word to the “wise” wives: You are going to keep our books in mind also.

Remember, you are hurt, too.

If you say to your husband, “I don’t want you to touch me” and that goes on for more than an hour or so, then you are not really communicating properly.

You can say, “You want to touch me? You want some lovin? Well then, apologize to me for what you did and convince me that you are not going to do it anymore!”

If you don’t like to make love, but your husband is really trying to be  a good husband, don’t say, “My heart only wants to make love once a week.”  (or, once a month or once a year!)

If you are saying that, you need help!  Call our group mentoring call. Get on our forum.

If you are having a hard time figuring out what your legitimate, heartfelt needs are, versus what your wounded heart might be over-reacting too, then get onto our group calls. Get on our forum.

Tell our helpers what hubby is or is not doing. Talk about how you handled it – and our helpers will speak to him for you, helping him to understand your heart – or, they might say, “Yes, sweetie, in this issue, you are indeed being a bit unreasonable. Your husband is not perfect. He is going to make mistakes. You can’t say to him, “You forgot to kiss me goodbye this morning, no sex tonight!”

You can’t carry a grudge. You can’t have a “chip on your shoulder.”

What you CAN do though is to COMMUNICATE to him CLEARLY what he is or is not doing that is hurting you.

That is what this article is about.

If he does not listen, then drag him onto the group calls and forum.

We are here to help you.

(In reality, the majority of the times, when someone is putting the brakes on lovemaking, it is the husband. Go figure. But yes, we still see some wives who “limit” their husbands lovemaking. Don’t do that ladies. If he is becoming a decent husband, make love often. To you guys who don’t initiate? We have a flogging station for idiots… some husbands would give ANYTHING for their wife to WANT to make love!.. and you are ignoring your wife every night?)

Some husbands just need more help than others to LEARN – but ALL men are CAPABLE of learning how to be great husbands.

Did you hear that guys, YOU CAN BE A GREAT HUSBAND AND DAD! It is IN YOU. Let your wife reach in and pull that GREATESS out of you.

That is WHY she married you, after all. She SAW the GREAT, loving, kind man that you are DESTINED to be (if you will ever listen to her and make the needed changes!)

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

ron September 10, 2009 at 3:06 am

i read your article i have tended to be more like the woman in the relationship, becuase i have bee pleading with my wife for almost two years for us to go to marriage counseling, an dshe refused, i waited on her hand and foot and she always treated me like i was the least important person in th eworld.
and last least one week she wants to see me ans then the next she doesnt, this happenes all the time, any advice.
and as far as keeping her happy i have done everthing she has ever asked me, and she has not treated me any better

Brian October 8, 2009 at 1:10 am

That makes two of us and add the fact that touching or affection of any kind is off limits.

Joel and Kathy - www.GodSaveMyMarriage.com April 7, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Keep learning from the full course, Guys. There are reasons for your wives acting this way – and sadly, those things start with you. It was not always this way. When your wife married you, she wanted you to be a great husband. She was disappointed and now that she has been hurt and angry, you are trying to get her to like you again.

We have a men’s group, specifically for men in your shoes. There is a cost, but it is miniscule. We talk with you 12 times per month for only $100 per month. That is three calls each week where we guide you into winning your wife’s heart back. Glad you found us and hope that you let us help you!

To join the men’s group, call us at 386-206-3128

Blessings!

Joel and Kathy

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